the jenni chronicles

two women somewhere behind me in the checkout aisle:

woman #1 “wow her hair is gorgeous!”
woman #2 “yeah, its too bad because she’d probably be somewhat attractive if she wasn’t chunky”

skinny ass Cherry Creek bitches.

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
~Robert Frost

All around Denver the leaves are forming on the trees.  The cherry blossoms have bloomed, their petals scatter in the wind. What I love about spring is the color of the sky.  It’s a sort of sapphire blue that cannot be recreated by even the finest of  painters. Not even a modern day Michelangelo could imagine a color. Its the color of my fathers eyes. Maybe it is the sunlight reflecting off of the leaves and flowers, back up into the heavens that causes the brilliance in light. it makes green seem greener, and pinks seem electric, almost too hard to stare at for very long.

I’ve noticed the sounds of the city have dulled now that the trees all have their leaves.  Noise in winter seems to travel farther because the trees are bare. Now the train whistle in the distance fades into the night air as the trees dance in the wind.

We leave our windows open now, inviting the sweet fragrance of the daffodils into our slumber. Soon the night will be so quiet it will seem as if we are the only people within miles.  The city will slow and people will relax into summer. The days will become longer, the nights will get warmer, and that blue that I love so much will become so deep you’d think you could fall into it.

Don’t blink, it will be over faster than a dream.

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

I realized today that I am old…because?…I am wearing knee highs…

When I was little I remember thinking that my parents were so boring and old; how they dressed, what they were interested in, etc.  I remember leaving the room when they would turn on the evening news- what a bore! I remember making fun of my mother for wearing something I’m sure I thought was hilarious (sorry mom) But now I am sure I do all those things that I used to roll my eyes at. Oh my god, I am turning into my parents!

I already find myself doing things that haven’t been in my routine before. Yes I wear knee highs.  But only with pants and closed toed shoes…(it feels better when I am wearing really pointy toed shoes.) I also have started to record Nightline (I almost said tape).  Actually I record all the news shows, 48 hours, Dateline, 20/20…oh boy. One new (old lady) thing I have started to buy- Better Homes and Gardens magazine, because of the recipes and gardening ideas…oh my god.  I need to stop. Is it already 9:30? past my bedtime…ugh. I am old.

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Captains log. Stardate 20100427

Still starving, and very very tired.
2 miles on the treadmill Steak and veggies for dinner
was good with food today, only ate half what I normally would have
think I’m getting a cold.

“I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live?
I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!”
~ Carrie Bradshaw

What girl doesn’t like a new pair of shoes? A few months ago my friend Angela told me about this sort-of “shoe of the month club”; Kim Kardashian’s  Shoedazzle.com.  I went home and researched and was instantly hooked.  I signed up on the spot and ever since I get a shiny new pair of shoes every month!

Every month I choose a pair of shoes from the website and they arrive in style:

So cute with a pair of leggings! My first pair were little black Chinese Laundry ballet flats and I have worn them to shreds; I’m addicted to flats now. There’s just something about a new pair of heels that just makes me so happy!

The Shoedazzle idea is just so smart.  Sign up and you will get a new shoe selection every month.  If you don’t want anything from your selection you can request new selections or skip that month and they wont charge you! They make it really easy too if you want to return your selection.

This is definitely going in the category of Cool Things…I’m addicted!

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

Captains Log Stardate 20100426:
starving…would kill for a burger.

I could just say my main goal is to lose at least 20 pounds, but that is easier said than done. What I really want is for a lot of little things to happen as a result of losing 5 lbs here and 10 lbs there.  So here is a list of what I would love to accomplish within the next 6 months:

1.       No more front butt!
When I was little I remember seeing a woman in the grocery store wearing brown polyester slacks (it was the 70′s) She was a B I G woman and her pants were not very forgiving.  Where her lower belly should have been situated in the front of her pants, was now split up the center by a polyester seam.  It was the first front butt I had ever seen, and obviously it made an impression on me. I am still tortured by the memories, the image is still burned on my brain!

2.       I want my lap back!
When you sit down, does your lower stomach sit on the tops of your legs? Mine does.    s  i  g  h.

3.       Wardrobe malfunctions be gone!
There is nothing worse than buying a new shirt in a size up from your normal size, and it doesn’t fit. Other than maybe when you put on your favorite pair of jeans and not being able to button them anymore.  Now days I find myself squatting in every pair of jeans before leaving the house hoping for them to stretch out…the muffin top is out of control.

4.       Where did my feet go?
Id like to be able to see my feet in the shower, I miss them. And why is it so hard to breathe when I tie my shoes? I find myself holding my breath so I can friggin bend over!

5.       I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright…oh wait, no I don’t.
I don’t feel attractive in any way, shape or form. I am disgusting.  I know this because I have seen myself naked in the mirror; not something I would recommend to anyone. Its scary, look away. I want to bring sexy back, and I want it now!

6.       Most importantly:
I want my confidence back. I want my self esteem back.  I want to feel good about myself.

So there you have it.  That’s not too much to work towards is it?
Recently I heard a quote that I love “I am the master of my fate, I am the Captain of my soul.“
This begins my journey…..

Captains log; Star date 2010/04/21
2.6 miles on the treadmill last night.
Today: whole Milk, banana, hard boiled egg, veggie soup with a tortilla, lots of water and peanuts. Sushi for dinner.
2.15 miles on the treadmill- (and a really great Oprah show today)
Day two of the Slim Quick Cleanse, 5 more days to go.

Still a fat ass…
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

It seems like every Monday morning, I wake up and say to myself “Today is the Day!”  Meaning that today is the day that I stop breaking all my own rules and be good to myself.  I lay there in bed and think of all the things I need to do in order to be the best person I can be. I need to work out, I need to eat healthy, I need to not drink on weeknights, I need to go to bed earlier etc.. And within those rules are a whole lot of little sub-rules like,  don’t break down when the whole office gets donuts or orders Chinese, and workout- after work on the days I am off at 4, before work on the days I am off at 5.  But for whatever reason I break every single rule, every single week.  I have no self control!

Mondays I am always good.  I have just enough willpower to say no to the bagels and cream cheese, to drink my 8 glasses of water, and to make sure I have a salad with dinner after I walk on the treadmill for at least a mile and a half.  By Tuesday though, I’ve broken at least one rule, and by Thursday I’m like Fuck it. I try to be good but work always screws with me.  Someone offers to buy lunch, and I end up getting a huge sandwich, breaking rule #87053 which is no carbs…and then it always seems to be somebody’s birthday in the office, which means cake. And it would be rude not to eat a piece with everyone else wouldn’t it?

It’s a vicious cycle. I feel great about myself on Monday, by Friday I am totally defeated, and haven’t worked out since Tuesday, and depressed because I feel fat, and because I am so weak I cant even control the shoveling motion of junk food into my fat mouth with my own fat fingers…which now makes me feel ugly, which  makes me never want to be naked in front of my boyfriend ever again, which drives me to drink like a homeless guy on Friday, which makes me worthless and lazy the whole weekend. I sound sooo pretty, don’t I?

And that brings us back to Monday…drum roll please…Today is the Day!

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

In keeping with a spring theme, I planted our vegetable garden today! We started growing about a month ago  indoors. The only problem was; we had a bazillion plants in our dining room. It was like a greenhouse in there. I was glad to finally get them outside.  Hopefully the little seedlings will survive in the great outdoors.  We planted the staples; tomatoes, carrots, beans, cucumber and lettuce.  But also planted some interesting things: asparagus, bell peppers, chili’s and jalapenos! The only thing that didn’t come up yet was the squash, so I guess I will start them off in another pot somewhere. I plan to plant the grape vine tomorrow because I didn’t know you had to soak the roots for 3 hours before planting. Wont it be great to have grapes? OH! I also planted an herb garden on our back porch…something I have never been able to keep alive for whatever reason.

Ahhhh.  It feels so good to create something from scratch.  All this from just a tiny little seed. Just add a little dirt and water, its amazing. As always I photo-documented the process, and also took some snapshots of the little surprises popping up in our yard (we might even have strawberries- eeeeee!).  You can see the pics here, Enjoy!

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

As I sat for the last few months, nesting into our new house, our new life…I sort-of forgot about some things.  I guess I subconsciously pushed some things aside that I used to  love doing…and maybe I thought I didn’t have time for them anymore? sigh…I don’t know… I honestly didn’t even think about it until just recently;  I watched the movie Julie and Julia. Have you seen it? (Its fabulous if you haven’t)  It made me really miss writing.

I originally started this blog in the fall of 2004, which was probably the worst, most horrible point in my life, and it really helped me to have an outlet for my feelings and thoughts.  Since then it has sort of evolved into a chronicle of…well…Me.  I feel like I have forgotten to take care of the bog, and in return I have not taken time for me. How did this happen? I forgot Me!

I lay in bed this morning with Cody, (who is a great listener by the way)I tried to think of a title for this entry. The first entry in almost a year. How do you say “I’m back” without sounding like you ever left? I mean I have been here the whole time, I was just sort of in hibernation. Spring! Cody and I ran to my keyboard and I immediately went to thesaurus.com and typed in the word Spring. I noticed among the words on the page, there was a link to a visual translation of my word- a pretty looking little thing. Visualthesaurus.com is the coolest thing ever, especially if you write a lot. Thus, the picture that started this entry.

~Spring: the place where something begins, where it springs into being.~

So, Here’s to a Spring Awakening. I’m back.

xoxo
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

Drum roll please………..

We bought a new house!!! 83 south Clarkson Street Denver, CO 80209 is now our permanent address…

well by “we” I mean Chris, and by “new” I mean its new for us…but anyway!   has been a very exciting couple of weeks.  We aren’t completely moved in yet but the main things are where they fit in, things are still in boxes but I know after a couple more weekends we will be completely unpacked.

We already had a couple of friends over for drinks, and plan to have a big housewarming party soon.  Of course Chris’s first big buy for the house was a barbecue grill…so there are lots of cook outs in our future. Cody is loving his new freedom in his back yard, and I am loving not having to walk him every morning and night (no more poopie bags! yay) Lots of firsts: first lawn mowing, first welcoming gift from neighbors, first cook out on the grill, and soon to be first party (you are all invited!)

We had great success with our garage sale and made over $700 on all our old crap.  I couldn’t believe it! Lots of haggling, some interesting people showed up and ironically enough after two years of living there we finally met some of our neighbors…seriously? We met more neighbors at the new house in one weekend then we did in two years at the other one.  Its really nice being out of that house, hindsight is 20/20. Oh and for all those who were wondering- yes it is illegal to post yard sale signs on street signs- and no I didn’t get a ticket.  We were responsible white trash and took down all our signs after the sale was over.  So there.

A few guys that Chris knows from rugby showed up to help with the heavy lifting, I don’t know what we would have done without them. so Thanks Rugby guys! I owe you one! We were done moving things over by early afternoon, it was great. We had our first candle lit dinner in the house that night- wine and Pizza on paper plates of course!

Its a cute little neighborhood, lots of older houses like ours, a few small apartment buildings and a couple local restaurants. I am even closer to work than I was before, its within walking distance even.  We are still close to the park so we can visit whenever we want. (I am already missing the view from the kitchen of the lake though)

Its been great so far, its only been two weeks and I still dont think it has dawned on Chris that he OWNS this.  All of this is his.  Its a really nice feeling!

You can see the yard sale and moving pictures here.

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

Sigh, Chris finally talked me into going rafting with him.  His dad and some of his dads friends came for a visit and Chris wanted to show them a good time.  It was fathers day weekend, what could go wrong, right?  I figured if they can do it so can I. (here are the pictures)

We drove up in separate cars, us in the bronco (AKA Big Whitey) and them in another car. On the way something strange happened when pulling onto the off ramp.  Big Whitey didnt feel right. After pulling off to see what was wrong Chris devised that even though we probably lost first gear, that we keep driving. Mkay, here is where I start to worry…not that I wasn’t worrying already about the whole rafting thing. We were supposed to meet in Kremmling, a little town on the way to Steamboat.  However what we didn’t know is that the whole entire town was out for Kremmling days! The road(s) were shut down, all two of them, and we were detoured around the whole town.  Poor big Whitey limped his way through town until we finally stopped at a gas station. Put him into park and called Chris’s dad to come meet us….this was a huge mistake.

Big whitey wouldn’t come out of park.

We opened the hood and almost immediately a kid came out of the market asking if we needed help.  He was, of course, in his 4H tee shirt and cowboy hat. He and Chris poked around under the hood and then when we mentioned a mechanic he stood right up and said “well I’m traveling with his son, I will get you his card”. huh? How fortuitous! We called the mechanic, who promptly drove two blocks over in his tow truck to help out.  Somehow he got BW into reverse and we drove to his shop where he  basically told us we were screwed. BW needed a new transmission and he doesn’t do transmissions.

Now it was at this point in our journey when I felt a little relief flow over me. We didn’t have a truck to take us to the river, which equals= I don’t have to go rafting! :) yay. But alas, Chris had tricks up his sleeve. Mechanic man had a “rig” he said we could rent from him for the day. Chris took the bait, and right before our eyes a beast was rolled out from around the building. This thing was right out of a redneck horror movie.  You know the one where the kids go off on a hunting trip and never come back? Yeah, we were driving that truck. It was painted cammo colors, didn’t have a window on one side, the entire inside ceiling was ripped out AND the door came flying open whenever we rounded a corner. So classy! But I must admit, it got us there…in redneck style.

We unloaded the raft, started blowing it up when an EMT came walking up to us. RED FLAG #2. Apparently a man went missing that afternoon after he fell out of his raft going over some rapids. What was RED FLAG #1 you ask? When we were still in Kremmling earlier in the day and every single emergency vehicle left town in a hurry, that’s what. So now there’s a body in the river.  There’s a dead body in the river I am about to get into. What fun! I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would also be looking for a dead man while on a fun fun fun rafting trip but here I was actually doing it! sigh.

Now lets back up a little.  One of the reasons I went on this trip was because Chris kept referring to it as a “Float Trip”. Key word: Float. Period. This wasn’t a float trip.  This was a tuck your feet in for fear of going overboard trip.  This was a get soaking wet from white water trip. This was a ROW ROW ROW BEFORE WE HIT THE ROCKS! trip. Did I already say that I was anxious about the trip in general? Well at this point I’m white knuckling the oar and on the verge of tears with numb toes and soaked to the bones with river water. Yeah there was a portion of the trip that we floated…that was after the class 5 rapids. Oh and Did I mention the man who drowned fell out in that same rapids we just rafted through? oh yeah, that’s where he fell out.  Whew, relief to know that!

I will admit, Chris was an excellent guide.  He knew exactly where all the rocks were we had to navigate around, and he was our main rower, steering us everywhere. He got us in, and got us out and that was mainly what I cared about…aside from not dying. Thanks Chris for not letting me die! Love you! ;)

That night Chris and I were able to get Big Whitey back up and over the pass back to Denver.  And then we turned around and drove my car back to Steamboat to continue our weekend with his dad. Phew, what a long day that was! We had a great time with his dad and friends.  It was a really good father’s day weekend for Chris I think, Im sure his dad appreciated it as well.

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

So my parents drove out from Texas before Fathers day weekend.  We had a nice little visit and they got to see their grand-dog for the first time in a little over a year. Cody loves them, so do I which brings me to my cool new thing #1:

I got a new car!!

Well a new used car that is.  Mom and dad bought themselves a beautiful new Cadillac and gave me their Lexus! Like, to have for keeps and stuff! They are the most generous people I know. Love you mom and dad!

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni

Remember that a**hole that I worked with that asked me if I was pregnant to which I replied NO FUC*ER I’M JUST FAT? He did it again! This time I had witnesses…actually a room full of my friends (thank god) who knew about the first time this happened to me..  There I was, sitting at my desk minding my own fat ass business when he walked right up to me and asked me if “it” was catching, and pointed to my friend who just happens to really be pregnant.  hmm yeah, I was fuming once again and yelled at him to STOP ASKING ME THAT AND GET OUT OF MY FACE. He actually lauged at me. He was so close to me that when I got up to get out of there I had to squeeze by him to get out of my desk. Of course I cried, like any fat girl would, oh AND I ran like a sissy to the bathrooms.  It was just like another sequel to Bridget Jones or something. It was so embarrassing.

Ohhh yeah this one doesnt end here; when I went into the bathrooms he followed me, stood outside the doors and taunted me even more through the womens bathroom door.  Someone was looking after me because a second later a manager was yelling at him to get the hell out of there.  My pregnant friend came in complete with a box of tissues and calmed me down. By the time I came out of the bathroom he was fired, escorted from the building, and kicked out on his ass. I had to write a report on what happened before I left, and managers were coming out of the woodworks to see how I was, which was nice, but more embarassing than anything. “Oh Jenni we heard someone actually had the balls to call you a fat ass to your face, mmm were so sorry” I left, and had to be escorted to my car for safety reasons.

sigh.

I even think after the dieting and working out at the gym I GOT FATTER! I don’t know what is going on! (conscience: yes you do fat ass, you stuff your mouth with junk all day!) I blame it on my pregnant friend, who was always snacking on lovely morsels of junk food, sympathy weight I tell you!

mmm Cheetos…

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Day 5 142lbs

Holy Heck is it hard not to snack while I’m at work!  The water trick isn’t working today and all I want is chocolate! Grrr.  I was pretty good this weekend, (Day 4) I drank a whole lot of sparkling water and ate my vegetable soup. I also made a fabulous guacamole with fresh avocados, green onions and green salsa.  I baked a couple of corn tortillas until crisp and had a little chips and dip! It was quite the treat.  I got a recipe for some coconut breakfast bars from the book I’m following and I baked that last night.  I tried one right out of the oven and it just fell apart as I was serving it.  Will try another when I get home to test the leftover theory.  Its interesting baking without eggs or milk…

Breakfast:
Pineapple chunks
sparkling water

Lunch:
Salad
Water

Snack:
Popcorn, unbuttered

Dinner:
Black Beans
Guacamole
Lettuce
Tomato
Corn Tortilla
Soy Milk

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni