visitation
Written on August 15, 2010
When I was in college I dated a guy for a few months. It was a pretty volatile relationship, on again off again. To make it harder we worked together and hung in the same circle of friends. He was such a tragic person, a truly unhappy being. One of those people who self destructed every so often; and made sure that he would set himself up to fail in most situations. If he did succeed he would sabotage himself. In the same way, he sabotaged our relationship many times but I went back to him time and time again; because I truly felt like I could save him. He was one of the greatest human beings I have ever known; he just didn’t know how to be good to himself.
I wanted to fix him so badly, it was just heartbreaking. He was an alcoholic, addicted to drugs and smoked like a chimney. In the end those things were the reason it didn’t work between us. In time I moved on with my life and graduated college. We remained friends but lost touch soon after I moved to Colorado.
A couple of years later I received news that he put a shotgun to his own chest.
In the years since, I have had dreams about him. The kind of dreams that don’t really mean anything, just mostly the kind based off some old memory we shared. I haven’t really thought about him in the last five years or so. Until last night… he came to visit me.
In the dream I was at a party, someone’s house full of people I didn’t know very well. I was sitting on the floor in front of a door way and there he was. He stood over me for a minute and then smiled down at me with his arm extended. I took his hand and smiled as he sat down with legs crossed in front of me on the floor. We embraced. It felt so real I could feel his heart beat against my chest. He said “how are you?” with both of his hands holding my shoulders. I smiled and told him “I used to dream about you all the time, but this feel a lot different for some reason” (I have never been able to realize that I am in a dream before.) He told me “well I came here to get you…” and smiled that perfect smile he always had. I laughed and said “I can’t go with you I have a boyfriend back there…” I gestured behind me as if Chris was in another room and I felt really confused. He backed up a little and lit a cigarette. I took a breath and started to say “I’m sorry” but I choked on the smoke. He was gone.
I woke up sitting upright in my bed alone, coughing. The air in the room was filled with cigarette smoke.
rest in peace C.J. it was good to see you.
(¯`v´¯ )
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.jenni
Filed in: me.
