the jenni chronicles

I actually had this conversation with someone at work last night:

Him: “…what’s going on right here“…making a rounding motion with his hands over his belly and pointing at mine
Me: thinking I had spilled something on my shirt I looked down at it to find nothing “what?”
Him: “You been eatin’ watermelon seeds?”
Me: now horrified to realize he IS really talking about the roundness of my belly “what do you mean?” through clenched teeth.
Him: “You not tellin’ us something?”
Me: with mouth now agape “are you asking if I’m pregnant?”
Him: “well?”

Did he really just ask me if I was pregnant??!!!

I can not believe this.  My whole body went beet red and I thanked him for pointing out that I am in fact JUST A FAT ASS.  I had to swallow the lump in my throat and walk away. I couldn’t wait to get out of my office.  When I finally made it to my car I burst into tears.  How embarrassing!  HOW FUCKING EMBARRASSING!

I have realized that I have gained weight since the holidays, but it never really solidifies in your mind until someone asks you WHEN YOU’RE DUE!

If that’s not motivation to lose weight I don’t know what is. Today I am 20 pounds heavier than I was the last time I felt good about myself.  I used to be bulimic in college, to the extremes that I only weighed 105 at one point. I stopped when I graduated in ‘96. Since then it has been off and on. I have to admit, sometimes I still do it. It is a sickness in my brain that tells me I need to be empty, and I know it will always be there.

I recognize that I can’t go around with a sign over my head that reads Recovering from an Eating Disorder but seriously I feel like whenever anyone says something good or bad about my weight I have to fight myself not to go back there. Say something about my weight and you might as well stick your fingers down my throat yourself!  Even when someone says “hey you look like you’ve lost weight” it still has a negative effect on me.  It is extremely hard for me not to fall back into bad habits.

For the last couple of years I have gotten a lot better, but now I really am gaining weight. I’ve never really known what to do about it in a healthy way until recently.  After that comment last night I went home in tears and worked out at the gym for 15 minutes longer than I normally do, and worked harder than I normally do. I plan on cutting my meals down to half the size, or eating salad as my main dish.  I’m counting calories, and ramping up my workouts to 5 days a week, instead of three days at the gym and two days walking around the park. I’m adding weights to my cardio, and using a higher level on the bike/stair climber. 

Whew, just writing that makes me feel tired.  It would be so much easier to just barf my way back to skinny.

sigh

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni