lessons learned
I had to say goodbye to some people from my past this week. I never thought of myself as a bridge burner, but there was one person in particular that I really needed to let go of for good. The very thought of her just brings up a lot of my past that I want to leave behind forever. If you haven’t followed my blog since back in ’04 you probably wont know who I’m talking about. She was the “other” woman in my last long relationship but she was also the only one who finally told me the truth I needed to hear. (Read the Jenni Chronicle Archives here)
Every once in a while I get a facebook note or an email from her, normally I ignore it. But just seeing her name in my email inbox sends my skin crawling. I forgave her a long long time ago, and let go of all my feelings of hatred for her when she finally told me the truth about her and my ex. But last weekend once again there she was, in my facebook inbox and “1 friend request”. Ugh. Will this girl ever give up trying to be my friend? It will never happen, no matter how much pain we have both shared. It seems like she is still trying to make it up to me or something, but I don’t need that anymore. How do I tell her I appreciate her, but I don’t want to be “friends” anymore? I decided to shut her out once and for all so I wrote her a note:
Caitlin,
I hope you won’t be too offended if I don’t confirm your friend request, I am trying to leave my past behind me and you are a huge reminder of some of the things I want to leave behind. I really think you are a great girl, but our lives crossed at a really low point in my life. I am truly grateful that you and I were able to exchange stories and come to terms with the reality of what happened to both of us because of one really horrible guy. I had forgiven you a long time ago and I will always remember your honesty with me. I will keep you in my memories because you helped me to find the truth. Please take care of yourself and remember you are a truly beautiful person inside and out. I wish you nothing but the best in life, in love, and in happiness. You know where to find me if you need me.
Always,
Jenni
It felt good to finally know she will be leaving me to live my life, and not be reminded of my past heartbreak any longer. This might sound silly but I went through my friends lists in facebook and myspace and deleted anyone and everyone who has a link between myself and my ex. It felt a little good, took a little weight off my shoulders to know I really have grown since then. I am so much better off.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
There’s some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I’ve been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don’t really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There’s mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should’ve taken,
Been some signs I didn’t see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don’t make no difference,
The past can’t be rewritten,
You get the life you’re given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can’t change the past,
Cause it’s gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it’s all,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
WOW. I remeber when you posted when all that shit was going down. Glad you feel like you can still leave the past in the past, but yes you needed to rid her of your life. Did you really want to go on and feel that “feeling” everytime you see her name pop up? I suppose it’s like living in the past all over again. Kudo’s to you for putting a final end to things. :)
> > > >From: “Parson, Caitlin R.”
> > > >To:
> > > >Subject: RE: from Jenni
> > > >Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2006 10:23:22 -0700
> > > >
> > > >Jenni,
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >I am literally sick to my stomach. I am so so so so so so so sorry. I
> > >never
> > > >wanted to be that girl, and I was. Gosh, I am sure you hated me, I
> >can’t
> > > >believe you still don’t. I can’t believe all of this. I am such an
> >idiot.
> > > >How did I not put it together that you still lived there? I guess I
> >just
> > > >didn’t want to see it. Poor Justin, what an awkward situation for him
> >to
> > >be
> > > >in. As for your friend Erin, I feel terrible about that too. I had
>just
> > > >turned 21 and we were at a new bar in Los Alamos, Zach was talking
> >about
> > > >how he was finally single and Rob and I had just gotten into a huge
> >fight
> > > >(over the phone) and we decided it was over. So I proceeded to get
> >wasted
> > > >and ended up going back to Zach’s hotel room and sleeping with him to
> > >”get
> > > >back” at Rob. You and Erin must have thought I was such a tramp, some
> > > >little girl coming in and sleeping with your boyfriends. Ugh, I feel
> >like
> > >a
> > > >horrible person.
> > > >Seriously, this is the kind of thing you hear about on Oprah or
> > >something.
> > > >When I was “with” him I used to joke and tell people that my life was
>a
> > > >lifetime movie waiting to happen.
> > > >The entire Burns family has quite the reputation in Los Alamos. When
>I
> > > >called the police on him that night the officer asked for his name
>and
> > >when
> > > >I told him he said “What are you doing with that jackass in the first
> > > >place?” and he hadn’t even lived in Los Alamos for years.
> > > >Yeah, I was young the first time with Rob. But it was so weird the
>way
> >he
> > > >pursued me after that. Every time he was in town, he would literally
> >call
> > > >me 20 or 30 times in a row, over and over again. Then he would call
> >from
> > > >Ian’s phone so I would answer and he would tell me he wanted to see
>me
> > >and
> > > >I would say no and hang up. I wanted nothing to do with the guy, I
>knew
> > >he
> > > >was bad news. I would change my number and wouldn’t hear from him for
> > > >months and months so I would figure he got the hint, but then out of
> >the
> > > >blue he would call again. I am sure he was getting my number from
> >mutual
> > > >friends (Los Alamos isn’t a big place). This literally went on for
> >years.
> > > >And for some reason, when he was there in July of 2004 I gave in. My
> > > >friends were so pissed at me, they told me I knew better.
> > > >About the accident (I don’t know what he told you, but here is the
> > >truth).
> > > >A guy I worked with had a place up in Frasier (Winter Park) and he
>said
> > >for
> > > >my birthday we (Me and Rob) could stay there for free for a weekend.
>I
> > > >asked Rob what he thought and we decided to go over Labor Day
>weekend.
> >We
> > > >decided that meeting there was the best idea. Of course, I got lost
>on
> > >the
> > > >way because I suck at directions so he got there a few hours before I
> > >did.
> > > >I met him at a bar there and he was already a little drunk. We got to
> >the
> > > >place we were staying and he said that he had made dinner
>reservations
> > >for
> > > >us and that I needed to get ready. So while I was getting ready he
>kept
> > > >drinking. We drove out to the restaurant, which was only about 5
>miles
> > >away
> > > >down a dirt road. We got there and we had to wait for our table so we
> > >each
> > > >had a couple of rum and cokes. We finally got to our table and we
>drank
> >3
> > > >bottles of wine. He drank a lot more than me, because I figured
>someone
> > >had
> > > >to drive. By the time we left the restaurant it was pretty late. He
>was
> > > >hammered. I told him to give me the keys, he refused. We got in a big
> > >fight
> > > >in the parking lot and he insisted I get in, I told him I was
>walking.
> > >–On
> > > >a side note I have been in a lot of car accidents and am terrified of
> > > >riding on dirt roads, especially with a drunk driver– Well being the
> > >moron
> > > >that I am, I finally got in the truck. He started driving faster and
> > > >faster, I begged him to please slow down, he told me to close my
> > >eyes…so
> > > >I did. I opened them a few seconds later and looked at the
>speedometer.
> > >We
> > > >were going 75mph down a dark, dirt road. I screamed for him to slow
> >down.
> > > >So he slammed on the breaks. We slid off the road, hit a fence, spun
> > >around
> > > >and rolled 2 or 3 times. I was terrified. We landed on my side, so he
> > > >climbed out of the truck and started screaming and punching the side
>of
> > >it.
> > > >Meanwhile I sat curled up inside of the turned over truck having a
> > >horrible
> > > >anxiety attack, trying to clean all of the glass out of my eyes. He
> > > >screamed at me to get out. I told him that he was scaring me and that
>I
> > > >couldn’t handle all of this. He finally pulled me out of the truck
>and
> >he
> > > >kept yelling and blaming the accident on me. He said if I wouldn’t
>have
> > > >told him to slow down it would have never happened. I grabbed my
>phone
> > >and
> > > >said I was calling 911. He took my phone away. He didn’t want to get
>a
> > >DUI.
> > > >He was hurt pretty badly, he had broken the window with his elbow
>when
> >we
> > > >rolled. There was so much blood. I told him that I thought we both
> >needed
> > > >to go to the hospital (I had a bunch of cuts and some cracked ribs).
>We
> > > >stood there for a while, freezing (I was wearing a short skirt and no
> > > >jacket) when one of the waitresses drove up and she gave us a ride to
> > >where
> > > >we were staying. Now, since he refused to go to the hospital I had to
> > > >figure out what to do about his elbow since he was wasted and
>bleeding
> > >all
> > > >over the place. I really respect the guy who owns the house and
>didn’t
> > >want
> > > >to do anything to it. Rob was walking around getting blood all over
>the
> > > >carpet, the bed, everything. Finally I got him all taken care of and
>he
> > > >finally fell asleep. I was terrified. This guy had so much anger
>inside
> > >of
> > > >him and it all seemed to be directed at me. He woke up early in the
> > >morning
> > > >and said we needed to go back, roll his truck back over (yeah right)
> >and
> > > >drive it to the house. Well, when we got there it was gone. He
>finally
> > > >called the police and found out he was in quite a bit of trouble (as
>I
> > >had
> > > >warned him) for leaving the scene. So I took him back to Denver and
> >went
> > > >home.
> > > >I will look tonight at home to see if I still have any of those
>emails,
> >I
> > > >doubt it but I really hope so. He gave me this huge sob story about
>how
> > >you
> > > >left him after you guys had gotten into a big fight at some BBQ at
>the
> > > >house. He went on and on (I guess that must be the email you read) I
> > > >finally said “are you trying to get me to feel sorry for you because
> >your
> > > >girlfriend left you? That doesn’t really make sense”.
> > > >For some reason the last couple months of all of this is sort of a
> >blur.
> > >So
> > > >I don’t really remember dates for anything. I guess I tried to block
>it
> > >all
> > > >out. He and I didn’t last very long, it was 5 months at the longest.
>I
> > >was
> > > >just miserable with him. I don’t know how it even lasted 5 months. He
> > > >convinced me that he could do no wrong and every fight we had and
>every
> > > >problem was my fault. We were constantly fighting. My friends hated
>it.
> > > >They hated him and they hated who I had become while I was “with”
>him.
> >I
> > > >really started to believe that I was crazy and it was all my fault.
> >After
> > > >the accident I drove up there damn near every weekend. I didn’t want
>to
> > >go
> > > >that much but he would accuse me of being with other guys if I wasn’t
> > >going
> > > >to see him. One weekend he even convinced me to drive to Denver, pick
> >him
> > > >up and then go to Chama. That’s almost 12 hours. Of course he drove
> >from
> > > >Denver to Chama and I remember being freezing in my own car and he
> > >wouldn’t
> > > >let me turn the heater on. He was extremely controlling of me. So I
> >know
> > > >that I can’t blame it all on him because I am stronger than that I
> >should
> > > >have never put up with him. He really, really hurt me. I have dated
> >some
> > > >guys here and there since then but nothing really. I can’t even
>imagine
> > >how
> > > >hurt you must have been/must be. I still think about him all the
>time.
> > >That
> > > >must sound silly to you since I was never even really in a
>relationship
> > > >with him.
> > > > One more quick story and then I will let you go, I know this is
> >really
> > > >long. Before the accident he came to see me one weekend he told me
>that
> >I
> > > >wasn’t allowed to tell anyone he was there. That was fine with me at
> > >first.
> > > >But then it turned out that Kayla Yates and Bobby Yates were going to
> >be
> > >in
> > > >town that same weekend. I hadn’t seen Kayla for a long time (my best
> > > >friend) and Rob and Bobby hadn’t seen each other for a while so I
> >thought
> > >I
> > > >would surprise him and have them come over to my house. Boy was that
>a
> > >bad
> > > >idea.
> > > >We were watching a movie when Kayla, Bobby and JJ (Bobby’s wife) rang
> >the
> > > >door bell. He filliped out. “who the hell is that? Who did you tell I
> >was
> > > >here I told you not to fucking tell anyone”. Then he put his hand
>over
> >my
> > > >mouth, picked me up and carried me into my room put me on my bed and
> >held
> > > >me down, with his hand over my mouth until they left. They were so
> >pissed
> > > >at me for that.
> > > >Thinking about all of these things again makes me feel like such an
> > >idiot.
> > > >I am so sorry. I don’t think you will ever know how sorry I am.
> > > >Hope to hear from you soon. That’s about all I can handle for today.
> > > >Caitlin
> > > >
> > > >—–Original Message—–
> > > >From: jen872@msn.com [mailto:jen872@msn.com]
> > > >Sent: Monday, October 02, 2006 4:46 PM
> > > >To: parsonc@saic.com
> > > >Subject: from Jenni
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Caitlin,
> > > >
> > > >I found you the same way- through Donny’s site to Bens site and i saw
> >you
> > > >had left a comment on his site one day a few months ago. Honestly I
> >had
> > > >written you off as a part of my life I didn’t want to remember…but
> >then
> > > >there you were and it all came back up again. I will be completely
> > >honest
> > > >with you here- 100% of what I will tell you is true. I sent your
> >myspace
> > > >page to Rob and told him it felt good to finally see your face
>because
> > > >after
> > > >all these years he still denies he ever cheated, or had anything to
>do
> > >with
> > > >you. I know differently and I have known for a long time. I guess
>its
> > > >time
> > > >to get some stuff off my chest and we can compare notes for our own
> > > >sanities. This is going to be a long one…
> > > >
> > > >Let me give you a timeline- I think you guys got together sometime in
> > >June
> > > >or July of 2004 at that wedding- well I was still living with him –
>he
> > >was
> > > >still telling me he loved me and would never cheat on me. And I knew
>he
> > > >went
> > > >to that wedding- he even called me that night. He had been working
> >with
> > > >Justin Christofferson in the oil business and going out of town for
> >weeks
> > > >at
> > > >a time- little did I know that sometimes he was going to see you and
> >then
> > > >would come home to me and make up stories about work. One day he
> > >mentioned
> > > >your name- told me a story of a girl named Kitty who hated Donny for
> >some
> > > >reason or another- I asked who Kitty was and he said “oh just this
>girl
> > > >from
> > > >Los Al”- Justin was in the room and he immediately got up and left- I
> > > >should
> > > >have taken the hint.
> > > >
> > > >He told you I had moved out- I lived there- you saw all my stuff
>still
> > > >there- I still lived there! (I probably slept in your sex sheets in
>my
> > >bed
> > > >and vice versa.) I left on August 16th to go visit my parents in
>Texas
> > >for
> > > >a
> > > >couple of weeks and I took MY dog with me- (the dog was a present
>from
> > >Rob
> > > >after my other pet rabbit had died- it wasn’t his dog.) Some things
> > > >happened while I was in Texas (my grandma died and the company I
>worked
> > >for
> > > >in Denver closed down) so I stayed for a bit longer. Rob and I were
> > >still
> > > >in constant contact on the phone. Labor Day weekend came and went
>and
> > > >suddenly Rob was telling me that he thought I should just stay in
>Texas
> > >for
> > > >a year because he would be traveling for his climbing 4 the cure
> > >business.
> > > >We decided to break up and it was mutual. I still had no idea about
> > >you.
> > > >Then I found out about his accident and called him to make sure he
>was
> > > >okay.
> > > >I remember asking him if there was anyone with him- and he said no
>that
> > >he
> > > >was alone. I asked him why he went to Winter Park alone (or wherever
> >it
> > > >was) and he said he was applying for jobs. In mid October of 2004 I
> >came
> > > >and
> > > >got my stuff out of the house, and there was a pair of black panties
> > > >hanging
> > > >in the bathroom- they weren’t mine. I figured he just moved on, it
> >hurt.
> > > >But I still didn’t know about you. Then in November I was talking to
> >my
> > > >friend Erin who was in our circle of friends at the time, and she
> > >mentioned
> > > >that Rob was not alone in his accident and then things started to
>make
> > > >sense. I talked to Justin and asked him if he would tell me the
>truth-
> > >if
> > > >there was a girl in the accident with Rob and if you had known each
> >other
> > > >before that…he told me that yes there was a girl in the truck with
> >him,
> > > >and that you had known each other for a while. I decided to use my
> >super
> > > >sleuthing skills and I broke into Robs email account- that’s when I
> >found
> > >a
> > > >whole bunch of emails between you two- that’s when I found out about
> >you.
> > >I
> > > >have known your name since then.
> > > >
> > > >He told you a whole bunch of lies girl. I read those emails he sent
> >you
> > > >and
> > > >I couldn’t believe he was a completely different person than who I
>had
> > > >known
> > > >for almost 7 years. He lied to you about when I moved out- I think
>he
> > >even
> > > >sent you an email that I supposedly had written to him- I never wrote
> > >that.
> > > >He told you I took his dog- the dog was mine- he told you I was some
> >sick
> > > >depressed crazy girl when it was in reality him who was on medication
> >for
> > > >bipolar disorder. He even lied to you about where he went when he
>was
> > > >working- as he did to me as well. I will never forget reading at the
> >end
> > >of
> > > >an email he sent you- it was a sob story about why I had supposedly
> >left
> > > >and
> > > >at the end he said “and the worst part was, she took my dog!” what a
> > > >friggin
> > > >liar. Do you still have any of those emails by chance? I used to
>have
> > > >them
> > > >but I deleted them.
> > > >
> > > >I couldn’t believe what I was reading when I found those emails. I
> > > >immediately called my friend Erin to tell her and she said she knew
>who
> > >you
> > > >were- she met you in Denver with Rob for lunch or breakfast or
> >something
> > > >and
> > > >that her boyfriend Zach had also cheated on her with you. Donny knew
> > >that
> > > >as well and he told me a little more about who you were, that you and
> >his
> > > >sister were friends etc. I was very curious about you- and I really
> > >wanted
> > > >to know what you looked like. I told Rob I knew everything- and he
> >still
> > > >denied it calling his friends liars and calling me names as well. He
> > >told
> > > >me that you were in the accident with him because he was driving you
>to
> > >see
> > > >your brother. Even after I told him I had read the emails! He is
> >crazy-
> > > >he’s not right in the head. He was still telling me that he loved me
> >in
> > > >December that year. And honestly I still thought that I loved him,
>but
> >I
> > > >couldn’t forgive him. It was so hard to get over him, because we
>were
> > > >together for almost 7 years. It wasn’t until just recently earlier
> >this
> > > >year that I was really able to let him go.
> > > >
> > > >It horrifies me that he treated you that way. He was never
>physically
> > > >violent with me- other than getting in my face and yelling or trying
>to
> > > >scare me senseless, he never put his hands on me. I am so sorry that
> >he
> > > >treated you like that; there is no excuse for that- ever. I wish you
> >had
> > > >pressed charges. It makes me sick reading about the way he treated
> >you.
> > > >Thinking back now- there were some warning signs I saw- he would act
> > >manic
> > > >and became hyper active at times, and at others would verbally berate
> >me
> > >in
> > > >front of friends and blame it on me. He is a sick person. I cannot
> > > >BELIEVE
> > > >he told people that he killed me. What an asshole. My mother always
> > >told
> > > >me that Rob would have killed me if I had stayed with him. I’m glad
> >that
> > > >you
> > > >have moved on as well. I feel sorry for the girl who finally gets
>the
> > > >full
> > > >brunt of his anger. I am so sorry that he scared you that way. No one
> > > >deserves that.
> > > >
> > > >You know for a long long time I hated you. I blamed the ruin of my
> > > >relationship on you for a long time too. I wondered for years why he
> > > >cheated
> > > >on me, what it was that I did to make him stray. I wondered what you
> > >looked
> > > >like, I had imagined you were some goddess like angel that he
>couldn’t
> > >help
> > > >himself over. Then I finally got to put a face to your name when I
>saw
> > > >your
> > > >pic on Ben’s myspace. You became a normal person just like me. It
> >wasn’t
> > > >until then that I discovered that it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t
> >your
> > > >fault either. It was Robs fault. He was the one who created this
> >whole
> > > >thing and you and I just got caught up in it. He ruined both of us;
>you
> > >and
> > > >I. He is like a tornado. He is dangerous and ruins everything in his
> > >path.
> > > >The day that I sent your pic to Rob, I finally forgave you. I was
>able
> > >to
> > > >get over a lot that day. I have been able to move on with my life in
> >the
> > > >last year, and I am in a great relationship now with a wonderful man.
> >He
> > > >treats me like I know I deserve to be treated and I truly believe
>that
> >he
> > > >loves me. It’s a completely different world coming out of that toxic
> > > >relationship with Rob.
> > > >
> > > >You were young when all this occurred. You were 18 the first time??
> >gosh.
> > > >You are probably 10 years younger than I am ha ha. It just goes to
> >show
> > > >you- you don’t really ever know the person you think you are closest
> >to.
> > > >Be
> > > >careful who you give yourself completely to, be careful with your
> >heart-
> > >it
> > > >is extremely fragile. I know you learned a lot from all of this, and
>I
> > > >have
> > > >as well, boy have I learned a lot. I just wanted to tell you thank
>you
> > >for
> > > >clearing up a lot of questions I have had for over two years now. It
> > > >starts
> > > >to eat away at you when you don’t have answers- you know?
> > > >
> > > >I guess my drunken mistake of sending you that friend request on
> >myspace
> > > >worked out in the end didn’t it? I’m going to send another one
>because
> >I
> > > >want people to know that you and I are strong independent women who
>can
> > > >deal
> > > >with knowing each other, that we have compared notes, and that we
>have
> > > >moved
> > > >on with our lives.
> > > >
> > > >Thanks again, hope to hear more from you. If you have any more
> >questions
> > > >please send them my way. I’m sure I will have more stories as they
> >come
> > > >back into my memory.
> > > >
> > > Jenni
I don’t know how I missed this posting. Even though the truth can be hurtful, it can also be freeing. Good bye to her and good riddance!