it happened again

its been over nine months since I had the panic attack of all attacks…you remember the one that got me fired? I had another really bad one yesterday, except this time I was in the middle of my day at work. Nothing set me off, I had no worries, I wasn’t stressed out, I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular and then all of a sudden, I thought I was going to die.

It started with getting light headed and feeling like I can’t get enough air. Then my heart starts to beat really heavily and fast. I could taste my heart beating in my lips, I could hear the veins in my entire body contract against the rush of blood rushing through them and it sounded like a river. Suddenly I could feel my pupils enlarge and any light around me became mega bright. I had to push myself away from my computer and try to breathe.

As I sat there I could feel myself floating. I thought if I made any sudden movements that I was going to faint. My heart wouldn’t slow down and now I was shaking uncontrollably…from the inside out. I thought I might get sick. I got up as slowly and carefully as I could and realised that I couldn’t really see straight and I was dizzy as hell. I held onto the wall all the way to the girls room and found my way into a stall. The nausea had gone away by the time I shut myself into the tiny room. I freaked out. Too small too small, have to get out, get out!!

I found my way back into the office and sat again. I couldnt stop shaking and I was insanely hot. The girls in the office were talking to me and it sounded like I was in a tin can. I went outside and sat with a glass of water for a bit…it didnt help, it only made me hotter and shakier.

I had to get away. I felt like I had no control and I really didnt know what to do. I started to freak out. I called Rugby Dude and lost it. I finally came to the realization that I was having a panic attack but I didnt know why or what to do. RD came to save me. He told me to go sit in my car with the AC on and wait for him. In the time I sat there which was only about 8 minutes but felt like an eternity- one side of my face contracted up in a muscle spasm, it was like I had a reverse stroke! It went away as fast as it appeared.

RD showed up and we got into his car and drove to the park. He tried to calm me, but by that time my brain was telling me I needed to shut down. My body felt heavy and I had the strange sensation that the insides of my body were trying to get out of my skin. Like electricity, or energy just building and building waiting to burst. My hands were on fire and vibrating from the inside. I lost feeling in them eventually.

I decided I needed to get as far away from that moment as I could. I left my car and my purse at work and we drove home to safety. I almost fainted when I got out of the car but all I wanted was the darkness of my bedroom. No sound, no light, nothing. I couldnt figure out what to do. My brain was shutting me down. I was crashing. I couldnt function. All I wanted was air and darkness. I found my way to my bed finally and pulled the covers and pillows up tight over my head and it was all I could do to just lay there shaking.

I think it was my brains way of telling me that everything needed to stop. I thought I was going to explode into a burst of energy and die until I found the dark inside my bed. I slept until 530 and when I awoke the shaking had stopped, and I could breathe. My heart was still pounding hard in my chest and did so until this morning.

That was one of the scariest things ever.

What is triggering these attacks? Why do I have them at random times? What the hell?

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni