staring at the sun
“ Many people don’t know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision—that there’s a part of the world that we are literally blind to. The problem is sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that shouldn’t be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny. When it comes to our blind spots—maybe our brains aren’t compensating, maybe they’re protecting us.”- Grey’s Anatomy episode 8 season 3
I have a problem. I live in the land of denial. I stay in the blind spots of reality because I feel safe there. I know its a bad thing…and I know I should change it, but I have never done anything about it. Somehow, in my life I have managed to float through; over and above any problems that I have had and have come out okay on the other end. Is this normal?
I seem to procrastinate anything that has to do with money; bills get paid when I can, and most likely when I get around to it. More often than not, my bills are late because I don’t want to face them. I have no idea what my credit score is because I am afraid to face it and deal with it. As of right now my bills are two weeks late and I don’t have enough money in the bank to cover the rent check I mailed. Yet I went grocery shopping yesterday and spent over a hundred bucks on things I probably didn’t need. Why do I do these things? I mean- my paycheck barely covers rent and bills- I cant afford to do these things. I know I am living way beyond my means…I need to be saving money for my upcoming move…yet I just don’t want to face reality of it. I need to make changes.
Maybe that is it. Maybe I am afraid of change? On one hand I am so excited about moving closer to Rugby Dude, and on the other I worry constantly about how I am actually going to pull it off. Where am I going to get the money? Where will I find a job and a place to live? Who is going to be able to help me? Who will drive the truck? Will my car make it through another long drive? As the weeks draw closer to the time I would like to move, I am struggling with the worry of it all. And that’s when I turn into the deer in the headlights.
Which brings me to the denial.
If I don’t think about it, and don’t worry about it too much, maybe it will all work out like it has for me in the past. Maybe I will just float through it like I have before. Somehow it always happens for me that way. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining, I’m just stunned at how far Ive come while living in my blind spots. Its like I have gone through the last ten years while staring into the sun; blind to everything around me, but conscious of it all.
How the heck did I get here?
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
don’t worry, we all have our blind spots. my bills only get paid on time because i am super anal about that stuff, but i do live beyond my means. i always seem to think there is more money in the bank than there really is, so come the end of the paycheck, i’m down to my last $10. we are the definition of living paycheck to paycheck. i slack in planty of things because of money. having my son makes it very hard to not have money. when he asks for something i calculate in my head what i will have to live without, which is normally food. i don’t shop, i barely can afford to grocery shop, so when i have to cut corners, it’s my lunch money for work.
Life is expensive, especially in a bigger city. I remember living in Iowa off of $1000/month, now I must budget carefully with much more than that to keep it all together. I guess back then I didn’t have a cell phone, HBO, a new car, a home, etc., etc.
Start a budget before you get past the point of no return. At the very least, start to understand where your money is going and where it needs to go. I understand how it’s easier to not face it, but before you give up the known for the unknown (moving), get control of your finances. Start a simple Excel spreadsheet and note where the money is going. Then start carving out a little extra towards getting yourself on track and start cutting back where you can.
You are very talented. Look for a way to turn your talent into part time income. Take a job at a photography spot or something.
Just do something. I sincerely relate to where you are and I’m here to tell you there is no happy ending without changing what you’re doing now. Ignoring it will eventually cause the house of cards you’re living in to fall apart.
Good luck!