Worry gives a small thing a big shadow

v. wor·ried, (wûrd, wr-)
wor·ry·ing, wor·ries (wûrz, wr-) v. intr.

1. To feel uneasy or concerned about something; be troubled.
2. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
3. to torment with cares, anxieties, etc.; trouble; plague.

“Where’s Rugby dude?” you keep asking me; in emails and comments galore. I will admit I haven’t written about him in a long time and its not because of any particular reason really. Well maybe I am just a little worried about saying something in here that will bug him, but I know that is just me worrying too much. Everyone knows I’m a worrier.

He and I talk every day. Either on the phone a couple of times a day, or on the Internet messaging services. Some days its just through text messaging on our phones, but we have a great communication between us. That’s a huge deal to me because if you can’t talk to the person you love most in this world, you don’t have much. And especially since we are doing this long distance thing, I need to know that he is thinking of me every day; and he is very good at calling me- he’s the best.

So what’s the deal with him and his life? Ill just give you the basics; he has packed up his things and is at this very moment driving to his fathers house for a week or so before he will actually move to Denver. We are now both unemployed so it makes it hard to figure out when we will see each-other next. Neither of us has any moo-la. It has been over a month since I saw him last, but you know what? It doesn’t feel like it has been that long because we do talk so much. I love that.

In fact, I just got off the phone with him. We had a nice long conversation while he drove from Gainesville to his dad’s. Its really one of the things that I look for in a man, its very important to me that I can have long conversations with him, even if it is about nothing in particular. Just to hear the sound of his voice and his laughter on the other end of the phone makes this long distance thing feel better. Of course a conversation in person would be a lot nicer, but we are doing what we can to make it work with what we’ve got.

Something has been really worrying me though. You see, in my head part of the reason that I want to go back to Denver is because he will be there. Today he mentioned that he may apply to jobs that aren’t necessarily in Denver, and he’s worried he will be moving again soon for a job. And that is totally fine- its his life and he has to do what he needs to. But what about us? When are we ever going to live in the same place at the same time? How are we going to make this work if it is constantly long distance? Its my fault I feel like this- I sort of got my hopes up.

In my perfect world- he would move to Denver and find a great job there that will make him feel fulfilled and happy. And when it came time I would move to a place of my own in Denver, find a job and we could actually date- IN PERSON in the SAME city. You know? Without worrying about what time my flight leaves, and how many weeks it will be between visits.

*sigh*

I know I shouldn’t make up all these little scenarios in my brain ahead of time; I sometimes start to rely on them as reality. That always gets me into trouble. I feel like I’m in grade school and writing my first name and his last name in different arrangements on my peechie folder. I guess I just got a little taste of reality today. We may not ever get past this point. I wish I knew what the future had for us; but I don’t and that makes it hard. It just makes me worry more. I don’t want to lose him from my life.

It makes me think of my mom, and how most of her marriage to my dad was spent separated by continents and oceans. They were rarely together for longer than a couple of months at a time before my dad would have to leave again for the NAVY. How did she do it? I am able to actually talk to Rugby Dude every single day, and it is hard! I cant imagine not being able to freely talk to him, as my mother and father did all those years. I know we aren’t even close to being married, and that we are still dating but I really want this thing to work.

This is hard.

So where do I go from here you wonder? I take each day as it comes. I will hope that he wants to make it work as much as I do, and hope that we will continue to hold each other as close as we can from across the universe. So I will continue to hope for the best, but not get my hopes up too much I guess. I cant lose this man. He means the world to me.

And once again, I am worrying too much. No wonder he doesnt link me on his blog *wink*

-Jenni